[He considered it. So perhaps...a hundred candles, for each soul lost?]
That would be quite a bit of work, but if you know details for each person...it could work. I could offer a mass funeral, but as you don't believe in God, that wouldn't be kind.
[He blows out a breath. Hm.]
But a joint funeral...still doable. How long would you like the service to be?
I- I don't know all of them well enough to provide-
[He feels terrible admitting it. That he can't remember all their names off the top of his head makes it worse, but he does have something.
Pulling a filing drawer he grabs a large file and sets it on the desk. When he flips it open it's clearly the first page of intake forms, basic hiring information, but the most important thing is the copy of a drivers license attached to each one. It provides a photo, something visual.]
But, I think you misunderstand me, Oscar. I'm...going to hold it alone.
You don't need a eulogy for each and every one if you don't want to. They can be names. Only names.
[He held up a hand and sighed.]
If I was hosting it, it would be different, as it would be...filled with religion. But...ultimately...what do you want your message to be? To these people.
[He winced a little. He knows it doesn't look good...but none of it does, does it.]
It's all quite strange to me, Varker. And the fact they want a friend, not a priest or anything similar...not to mention. As a priest, I'm a reminder of things that have been inflicted on others.
So, it's better to offer my well wishes and not join in. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anyway.
I can confidently say you can find assholes in every group you can imagine. Unfortunate that the church churns out so many of them, but as a good man, your actions set you apart. I don't see hatred when I look in your eyes, but I have before, in lesser men.
Don't carry that with you, it will only slow you down.
[He turns Oscar's hand over in his, fingers tracing his, contemplative before he lets go and grabs the frame closest to him.]
I do feel similarly about it, though. What i would even do with myself if I did go.
But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to spent that time with them, with... Steward.
[And, as he says so he offers the frame to Oscar even if his hand might be shaking. The photo of he and Steward at their engagement party, six years younger with the greys starting to show in Stewards hair]
I'm not. I just want to make sure that I'm not upsetting people when it's a day of celebration. Two lives as one.
[And he takes the frame, even as he feels the hand shake. He just wants to hold Varker close when he's so shaky like this.
He swallows, and looks up to Varker. This was the man who could barely breathe as he died. This is the man that Oscar looked a little like. In body, not in mind.]
You should. Spend time with him.
Remember him at his best, with all the love in your heart, so you may both be in peace.
[He's glad that he has that photo, that he can look at it even if it hurts, looking at himself, unaltered. But it's worth it to see Stew and recognize him.
Especially when just closing his eyes can be enough to pull the memory of what Steward had sounded like, suffering.]
I'm...going to try. I'm still not sure I'm convinced I deserve it, being at peace.
If you had the time. Without a- [He trips over the word, swallowing and trying again with as steady a voice as he can.] body, there isn't many options.
[He watches Oscar stand, finding himself not wanting to be alone, but keeping it to himself, closing the open folder on his desk.]
[He needs to find more information on what is traditionally done without a body to bury, but that research has been painfully slow.
Hes still thinking about it when the question comes, blinking in surprise and giving Oscar all his attention.
He almost trips, pushing his plush leather chair back and standing to walk around the desk, clearing his throat when he gets to Oscar. Cant be too eager, obviously, except he is.]
[Thankfully, husband work wasn't pressing and he was used to research. He'd be happy to pick up some notes for Varker, especially as it may be useful in the future on thr Barge.
Though- it seems that Varker still needs all the physical attention he can give.
Without a word, Oscar smiles, and opens his arms to give Varker a full fledged hug.]
[Varker leans into it, though it might be better described as melting. His shoulders dropping a good inch as Oscar's arms come around him.
There is still far too many conflicting feelings tangled up in being embraced by Oscar, but he isn't going to deny himself when he so desperately needs affection amidst the weight of grief.
He tries and fails to not grip Oscar too tightly, but does manage only wet eyes this time rather than tears when he finally pulls away.
He hadn't wanted to.]
I'll- Ill try to come by, for coffee in the morning. Maybe tomorrow?
Just, don't hold your breath. I might disappoint the both of us.
[He held Varker, gently rubbing his back with his one hand. The way that he melted, that he tried to keep himself from completely falling apart...
He'd have to make sure to offer Varker more physical affection in the future, in private so he could use it to bring himself back up to where he needed.
But he let him go, taking in a deep breath and did not speak of those wet eyes.]
If you come by tomorrow, that would be wonderful.
If you don't, you don't. It'll just be too bad you don't get to sit on my new couch.
[He thinks perhaps the thing that gets him the most is how gentle the touch is. Most people don't handle him that way, and he misses that, the idea that he wants or deserves a soft touch.
His posture is stiff when Oscar absolves him of potential guilt, but he does crack a smile, tilting his head in question.]
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It'll be small. I planned on holding it in the memorial room, privately.
But it's... for over a hundred people.
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[He considered it. So perhaps...a hundred candles, for each soul lost?]
That would be quite a bit of work, but if you know details for each person...it could work. I could offer a mass funeral, but as you don't believe in God, that wouldn't be kind.
[He blows out a breath. Hm.]
But a joint funeral...still doable. How long would you like the service to be?
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[He feels terrible admitting it. That he can't remember all their names off the top of his head makes it worse, but he does have something.
Pulling a filing drawer he grabs a large file and sets it on the desk. When he flips it open it's clearly the first page of intake forms, basic hiring information, but the most important thing is the copy of a drivers license attached to each one. It provides a photo, something visual.]
But, I think you misunderstand me, Oscar. I'm...going to hold it alone.
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You don't need a eulogy for each and every one if you don't want to. They can be names. Only names.
[He held up a hand and sighed.]
If I was hosting it, it would be different, as it would be...filled with religion. But...ultimately...what do you want your message to be? To these people.
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His words are barely a chokes whisper as he responds.]
That...that I'm sorry. That it didn't need to end this way, i shouldn't have allowed it to get as far as it did.
A-and their lives mattered. They weren't just... failed experiments, or the means to an end.
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[He hesitates, but he still reaches. Just to touch Varker's hand.]
I will guard the door for you, if that's what you want.
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It might soften the blow.]
No...it'll just be Folgate and I. You'll have somewhere to be I'm sure, since...I plan to do it when most of the ship is preoccupied with the wedding.
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[He held his hand back, tight, before responding.]
I'm not sure if I should go, myself.
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[His head tilts just so, curious as he looks at Oscar. He of all people he thought would go to see his friend get married.]
The service not Catholic enough for you, Father?
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It's all quite strange to me, Varker. And the fact they want a friend, not a priest or anything similar...not to mention. As a priest, I'm a reminder of things that have been inflicted on others.
So, it's better to offer my well wishes and not join in. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anyway.
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Don't carry that with you, it will only slow you down.
[He turns Oscar's hand over in his, fingers tracing his, contemplative before he lets go and grabs the frame closest to him.]
I do feel similarly about it, though. What i would even do with myself if I did go.
But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to spent that time with them, with... Steward.
[And, as he says so he offers the frame to Oscar even if his hand might be shaking. The photo of he and Steward at their engagement party, six years younger with the greys starting to show in Stewards hair]
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[And he takes the frame, even as he feels the hand shake. He just wants to hold Varker close when he's so shaky like this.
He swallows, and looks up to Varker. This was the man who could barely breathe as he died. This is the man that Oscar looked a little like. In body, not in mind.]
You should. Spend time with him.
Remember him at his best, with all the love in your heart, so you may both be in peace.
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Especially when just closing his eyes can be enough to pull the memory of what Steward had sounded like, suffering.]
I'm...going to try. I'm still not sure I'm convinced I deserve it, being at peace.
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[Slowly, he moves to place the frame back in Varker's hands.]
Let him rest. I'll make sure his candle is especially blessed, even if he was a man of science.
Even if you are too.
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The sandalwood is for him, if you can get it.
He wasn't practicing, but even if we had only met the once his parents would curse me forever if I didnt at least follow one Hindu funeral right...
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I should research on Hindu funerals then to get other touches right. Things he might like, perhaps.
...A request, if I may?
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[He watches Oscar stand, finding himself not wanting to be alone, but keeping it to himself, closing the open folder on his desk.]
Yes?
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[He sighs. He knows it's selfish and cruel but...]
May I hug you before I go?
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Hes still thinking about it when the question comes, blinking in surprise and giving Oscar all his attention.
He almost trips, pushing his plush leather chair back and standing to walk around the desk, clearing his throat when he gets to Oscar. Cant be too eager, obviously, except he is.]
Please?
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Though- it seems that Varker still needs all the physical attention he can give.
Without a word, Oscar smiles, and opens his arms to give Varker a full fledged hug.]
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There is still far too many conflicting feelings tangled up in being embraced by Oscar, but he isn't going to deny himself when he so desperately needs affection amidst the weight of grief.
He tries and fails to not grip Oscar too tightly, but does manage only wet eyes this time rather than tears when he finally pulls away.
He hadn't wanted to.]
I'll- Ill try to come by, for coffee in the morning. Maybe tomorrow?
Just, don't hold your breath. I might disappoint the both of us.
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He'd have to make sure to offer Varker more physical affection in the future, in private so he could use it to bring himself back up to where he needed.
But he let him go, taking in a deep breath and did not speak of those wet eyes.]
If you come by tomorrow, that would be wonderful.
If you don't, you don't. It'll just be too bad you don't get to sit on my new couch.
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His posture is stiff when Oscar absolves him of potential guilt, but he does crack a smile, tilting his head in question.]
You want me to test out your new couch, Oscar?
I didn't think you were so forward.
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[Oscar blushes, and clears his throat. Now that he has some awareness of Varker and some experience, he gets the joke.]
Not like- not like that Clement. There would be stains.
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There would? Where has your mind gone, father?
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