"No, not breach. If that counts, I would be considered vaguely hedonistic from the last one."
He shook his head, but he was smiling, despite all the teasing.
"It's not that. He was...my gateway to realizing that I needed to be friends, respect someone before there was sexual desire. But, he didn't...ask me to. I wanted the connection."
He paused. "I suppose I should say that women are attractive too. To me, I mean."
"Vaguely? Hmm. I could say the same for myself...Jedao certainly enjoyed that version of me." He still thinks about it, though it pissed him off he'd been Norton's father, as if they aren't close in age. Fucking Admiral.
Varker sits back, listening and checking little boxes in his brain of where Oscar seems to fit. Steward was a devout bisexual, and he'd talked him out of dating this god awful woman in college, only to pounce after an evening of drinks shortly after they'd parted.
He still thought she was a boring bitch when ever he thought of her all these years later.
"I am glad you were the one to ask. I have some concerns about you, and consent given the barge and all it's fuckery... It's all too easy to find yourself in a position where you shouldn't but might with the bullshit of the week, or the nature of someone's what ever. Gods and mind-fucking vampires to name a few."
"Abaurycy and I were pretty much head over heels for each other during the last breach. But we've calmed down since then."
Which tracked. But also, Ozzie was a very passionate man.
"But if you're worried about vampires, they have no interest in me. One likes to sit at the bottom of the pool, the other is mad at me for pressing my apology on them." His voice was a little dry. "Though I don't think we are officially God and his priest, John and I do care for each other, deeply. And we have slept together."
It isn't the breach relationship that bothers him. No, that wasn't anything more than a fantasy that either faded to a soft blur of memory or disappeared entirely.
And nevermind the vampires, fucking weirdos the both of them, even if he did, in very specific instances, like Ashton. Those moments were few and far between.
But he can't keep the surprise or building tension of emotion off his face.
"John? That is who you slept with?" John. John fucking Doe and his stupid, beautiful blonde head full of cosmic weirdness and the sort of compassionate kindness people wrote poetry about. The man he'd been avoiding for fear that he might offer him more shit that he didn't deserve after finding the courage to ask him for a candle and receiving the most touching and heart wrenching gift he'd ever received in his god damn life.
Fucking John.
"Isn't that blasphemy?" Better touch that first before he gets too far ahead of himself and leaves to throw things at him.
"I do not place John as the God above all Gods, the King of Kings. I also do not profane nor do I insult the Lord. You're thinking of heresy."
It was a very gentle correction.
"Which, by some definitions, yes. I could be considered a heretic, in some respects. And I have certainly broken my vow of being celibate, with him. For myself."
His smile was faint. "And I can do what I can to make up for the broken vow, and follow his purpose. I have not...chosen John as my God. There's been no conversion. I do see the divinity he has, of course."
Gentle as it was Varker is two seconds away from pointing out that is basically just semantics.
There are plenty of reasons he can think of why that isn't a good idea but currently the one circling the drain as his temper ticks up, is simply 'I don't like it'.
He blames sobriety for the fact that he is struggling to be anything but increasingly frustrated and upset about it.
"You were upset when he was getting married." He remembers Oscar didn't seem as interested as he thought he would be. That he'd even offered to attend the small funeral service instead. "Did you have a conversation then, or did he just tell you?" Because now he's looking for a reason to be justifiably mad rather than what ever the hell he currently is.
He didn't know that Clement didn't like John so much. Or maybe it was because John was nice and gentle- and if he wasn't married, would have been a better fit for Oscar, being from the same world and all.
"I was." He agreed. And he glanced away, thinking of how he felt that day, how it would have been if...well. Things had not gone so well. He could still remember how Arthur had splashed them both with water.
"It was a....conversation. It was not..." He pulled his hand away from Clement to rub his face. "...it was difficult for both of us. Arthur had to get involved to help us both. I was...upset."
If Varker were forced he would admit that he very much does like John. He doesn't think that he ever will be able to give him anything that means as much to him as the candle he was gifted. That sort of debt, not that John would call it such, weighs on him for the fact that John's kindness is constantly just a little too much.
And now just another reason aside from the other various ones he already had, to be jealous of John.
"I'm sure you were." He says with some heat to it, slipping off Oscar's lap so he can move. It's been a while since he'd felt this sort of rage bubbling under the surface, and he knows he should say something to Norton, they'd talked about this, and yet that throws a hitch in his want to keep this new, fragile thing to himself, if only for a little while.
"He isn't- he doesn't..." Varker growls in frustration and Audrey grumbles with him, trying to get words to work through and finding nothing.
Oscar would know that for John, he doesn't need something like the candle, kind as it was, given back. Instead, presence was his bread and his water, things he needed to feel fulfilled. But that might not be the answer.
Not yet. Not for Varker as he slips away and prowls around like a caged beast.
And Oscar finds the other man still so beautiful in his eyes even with his rage. But he is quiet for a few more moments, letting the blond settle his thoughts. Or at least try to find words.
"He shouldn't be allowed to marry her, when he has me? Or make me upset? Clem, I feel blessed- truly blessed- with what company and love I receive." He kept watching him.
"I do not expect to be cared for as a person at all. By anyone."
"No, forget the marriage, he doesn't understand." Not in the way a human would, and perhaps that isn't his fault, but thats why he shouldn't be touching the hearts of people who-
Varker stops in his tracks, staring at Oscar, "what did you just say?"
"That isn't what you said." He had edited it to make it sound more palatable.
The flask in his inner jacket pocket is calling to him now that he isnt being held, is starting to sweat more. His hand slips in to just hold it, running his thumb along the ridged cap and trying to breathe. His eyes squeeze shut as he manages out, "I should go."
Go talk to John. Maybe fail to convince Audrey to strangle him. Something.
Varker opens his eyes, catches his disappointment and his shoulders sag. His heart is still beating fast, his temper flaring, but he's aware enough that he can say, "I do, I just..." a breath, he rubs his face with his free hand, looking for a moment like he might cry but it passes as quickly as it came.
He would rather be here than be angry, but he doesn't want to be here, angry. Saying so feels impossible for the fact that he's sure Oscar would want to tell him what he might say in anger is fine.
"I'm sorry," it comes out so much easier this time, closing the distance between them despite his urge to move. He can't quite stay still enough for a kiss he thinks, but he does squeeze Oscar's shoulder.
"I'm... Im not mad at you." Its important to say, but he's already starting to squeeze a little too tight and he pulls his hand back almost as quickly as if he'd been burned.
"I need to go." He reaffirms, mostly to himself before he gives Oscar one more look and heads to the door. He should go back to his and Folgates, but he knows he isnt. He only just manages not to slam the door on his way out.
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Re: After dinner unannounced
"You mentioned before. I assume you dont just mean for a breach either, mm?" Seeing as they had also been intimate during one.
"Are they your 'it's complicated'? I thought priests usually take a vow of celibacy, so I am a little curious who tempted you first."
Re: After dinner unannounced
He shook his head, but he was smiling, despite all the teasing.
"It's not that. He was...my gateway to realizing that I needed to be friends, respect someone before there was sexual desire. But, he didn't...ask me to. I wanted the connection."
He paused. "I suppose I should say that women are attractive too. To me, I mean."
Re: After dinner unannounced
Varker sits back, listening and checking little boxes in his brain of where Oscar seems to fit. Steward was a devout bisexual, and he'd talked him out of dating this god awful woman in college, only to pounce after an evening of drinks shortly after they'd parted.
He still thought she was a boring bitch when ever he thought of her all these years later.
"I am glad you were the one to ask. I have some concerns about you, and consent given the barge and all it's fuckery... It's all too easy to find yourself in a position where you shouldn't but might with the bullshit of the week, or the nature of someone's what ever. Gods and mind-fucking vampires to name a few."
Re: After dinner unannounced
Which tracked. But also, Ozzie was a very passionate man.
"But if you're worried about vampires, they have no interest in me. One likes to sit at the bottom of the pool, the other is mad at me for pressing my apology on them." His voice was a little dry. "Though I don't think we are officially God and his priest, John and I do care for each other, deeply. And we have slept together."
And he waited to see what would happen.
Re: After dinner unannounced
And nevermind the vampires, fucking weirdos the both of them, even if he did, in very specific instances, like Ashton. Those moments were few and far between.
But he can't keep the surprise or building tension of emotion off his face.
"John? That is who you slept with?" John. John fucking Doe and his stupid, beautiful blonde head full of cosmic weirdness and the sort of compassionate kindness people wrote poetry about. The man he'd been avoiding for fear that he might offer him more shit that he didn't deserve after finding the courage to ask him for a candle and receiving the most touching and heart wrenching gift he'd ever received in his god damn life.
Fucking John.
"Isn't that blasphemy?" Better touch that first before he gets too far ahead of himself and leaves to throw things at him.
Re: After dinner unannounced
It was a very gentle correction.
"Which, by some definitions, yes. I could be considered a heretic, in some respects. And I have certainly broken my vow of being celibate, with him. For myself."
His smile was faint. "And I can do what I can to make up for the broken vow, and follow his purpose. I have not...chosen John as my God. There's been no conversion. I do see the divinity he has, of course."
Re: After dinner unannounced
There are plenty of reasons he can think of why that isn't a good idea but currently the one circling the drain as his temper ticks up, is simply 'I don't like it'.
He blames sobriety for the fact that he is struggling to be anything but increasingly frustrated and upset about it.
"You were upset when he was getting married." He remembers Oscar didn't seem as interested as he thought he would be. That he'd even offered to attend the small funeral service instead. "Did you have a conversation then, or did he just tell you?" Because now he's looking for a reason to be justifiably mad rather than what ever the hell he currently is.
Re: After dinner unannounced
"I was." He agreed. And he glanced away, thinking of how he felt that day, how it would have been if...well. Things had not gone so well. He could still remember how Arthur had splashed them both with water.
"It was a....conversation. It was not..." He pulled his hand away from Clement to rub his face. "...it was difficult for both of us. Arthur had to get involved to help us both. I was...upset."
That was putting it very kindly.
Re: After dinner unannounced
And now just another reason aside from the other various ones he already had, to be jealous of John.
"I'm sure you were." He says with some heat to it, slipping off Oscar's lap so he can move. It's been a while since he'd felt this sort of rage bubbling under the surface, and he knows he should say something to Norton, they'd talked about this, and yet that throws a hitch in his want to keep this new, fragile thing to himself, if only for a little while.
"He isn't- he doesn't..." Varker growls in frustration and Audrey grumbles with him, trying to get words to work through and finding nothing.
Re: After dinner unannounced
Not yet. Not for Varker as he slips away and prowls around like a caged beast.
And Oscar finds the other man still so beautiful in his eyes even with his rage. But he is quiet for a few more moments, letting the blond settle his thoughts. Or at least try to find words.
"He shouldn't be allowed to marry her, when he has me? Or make me upset? Clem, I feel blessed- truly blessed- with what company and love I receive." He kept watching him.
"I do not expect to be cared for as a person at all. By anyone."
Re: After dinner unannounced
Varker stops in his tracks, staring at Oscar, "what did you just say?"
Re: After dinner unannounced
But. Oops. Oscar blinked up at Clement.
"I don't expect to be liked? It sounds worse then it is, Clement. Truly."
Re: After dinner unannounced
The flask in his inner jacket pocket is calling to him now that he isnt being held, is starting to sweat more. His hand slips in to just hold it, running his thumb along the ridged cap and trying to breathe. His eyes squeeze shut as he manages out, "I should go."
Go talk to John. Maybe fail to convince Audrey to strangle him. Something.
Re: After dinner unannounced
"If you don't want to stay...all right. May I kiss you good bye?"
Just so it wouldn't feel like he was leaving in a panic. Like he did at the pool.
Re: After dinner unannounced
He would rather be here than be angry, but he doesn't want to be here, angry. Saying so feels impossible for the fact that he's sure Oscar would want to tell him what he might say in anger is fine.
Re: After dinner unannounced
"Go on love." He offered a soft smile. "The door will always be open for you. Just remember- let me know when you're coming over."
Re: After dinner unannounced
"I'm... Im not mad at you." Its important to say, but he's already starting to squeeze a little too tight and he pulls his hand back almost as quickly as if he'd been burned.
"I need to go." He reaffirms, mostly to himself before he gives Oscar one more look and heads to the door. He should go back to his and Folgates, but he knows he isnt. He only just manages not to slam the door on his way out.