The flood had been awful, and Clement had still been hurting. Oscar could still feel himself tense up, thinking of the things he heard during that flood.
"I appreciate you coming sober. And I know that isn't easy for you. I'm not going to ask you to do what you're not ready for."
He paused, his eyes soft on the blond, lingering on his face.
"But if we want that talk, we'll both have to be sober."
He isn't panicked, not yet, but his hands clench in the fabric of his suit pants, eyeing Oscar.
"I'm...going to work on myself. But if you're telling me, right now, it's..." He takes in a breath and looks away, waving his hand as if to say 'all this', don't make him acknowledge that there is something Oscar, not right now, "is dependent on me staying sober? I'm going to disappoint you, Oscar." It took him most of the day to manage this, and he's already thinking about going back to his cabin and having a drink.
"I'm not like you. and I don't think I ever will be."
Oscar shook his head. He didn't come closer, but he could see those fists.
"No, Clement, this...whatever we are, isn't dependent on that." That wouldn't be fair. And he knew how hard it would be. "Just when you're ready to talk about it, I'd like to do it when you're sober. And when it's done, you can drink."
He was quiet for a few moments. "I'm not being fair. I know. I'm being even cruel. But- I want to make sure if it ends up with us making out...it's because you want to make out with me. Or more. Does...that make sense?"
Varker isn't looking at him, he knows his eyes are a little wild right now, trying to talk down his stupid fucking lizard brain from panicking. He can't say that given what he'd said to be cruel this isn't a fair request, but it scares him nonetheless that this might be followed with more realistic expectations.
"You know, Oscar. I never said that I needed an excuse to kiss you, it was the other way around," It's not a funny joke, but he does point it out on purpose. "But...if that's your condition, I suppose I'll try again sometime."
"Only for the talk. I just want to make sure we're on the same page." His voice was gentle. He didn't like making Clement panic, even if there was a good reason for it. He wasn't going to ask for the impossible.
"I don't need an excuse to kiss you either, you know. But...would you like a hug and a kiss right now?"
For reassurance. No offer for anything more. Sober sex? With these two old men? Impossible, maybe.
He still isn't looking at him. If he does he thinks perhaps that feeling will come back from earlier, like some juvenile secret.
He can tell himself all he wants he's a grown ass man, and yet?
He doesn't respond so much as pull his legs in to crawl the short distance across the couch and inserts himself right onto Oscar's lap. But it isn't to kiss him. Burying himself in the other man's shoulder he hugs him tightly and takes in a deep breath.
He'd spent all of the last week terrified and alone, and he'd been alone because of his own selfish behavior. He'd paid for it over and over and if Oscar is offering to settle the account, well. He's not going to tell him no.
He melts into it almost instantly as Audrey thrums, the tension bleeding out of him. That big hand rubbing his back feels good even through the fabric onto his scales.
"I never thanked you," his voice is quiet, not quite a whisper as his grip tightens. He isn't clinging, he swears he isn't, but its nice to take another breath of him in.
"I...I'm terrified of Dr. Trevanue, a-and I don't think it would have helped that fear any if I'd drown." In fact he's sure he would have been a paranoid wreck if he'd been tolling. A rare moment where death would not have been kinder, especially when it doesn't last. "So, thank you for rescuing me, Oscar. I...appreciated it, even if I didn't act like it, at the time."
Oscar pressed his lips to Clement's hair, nuzzling him with his nose. He'd have to praise Audrey later for her patience and for being such a brave girl the week they were apart.
"I saw the faces. It was terrifying. And thankfully, Audrey managed to cough up some water before I started CPR."
He offered a gentle squeeze. "You're welcome. I'm glad you made it."
Thank you for staying alive, he almost said. But he didn't.
He closes his eyes, clenching his jaw as Oscar agrees with him, and yet he doesn't quite understand what those faces are, who they used to be and should still have been.
His fingers press into his shoulders, taking in a stuttering breath, "I'm...glad I did too, Oscar."
It isn't that he believes that he deserves to be alive. He doesn't, and probably won't for some time.
But when you are reminded of all the people who arent, but could be? It yanks on the chain of self-hatred enough to look at sacrifice a little differently.
"I won't make any promises," its muffled into his shoulder, but he lifts his head just enough, turning it to whisper into his ear, "but I can try."
It was a perfectly reasonable expectation to set. Nothing impossible to tirelessly labor over. Just trying.
He turns his head just enough to take that kiss on the cheek instead. Gives him another squeeze before he gives a shake of his head, "take care of yourself. That's all I'm asking."
And it isn't that he doesn't want to, but he knows where he's at, and Oscar shouldn't fold so easily to comforting him when he's said he's still raw.
It was better that he kissed him on the cheek. The mouth kisses could happen later, after some...well. Time passed. At least another time. Especially if they were going to have to talk sober about...them.
"All right. I'll...try to do that. For you. And me."
Varker is painfully aware that he is not prepared to have that conversation, and out of his respect for Oscar he can't just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over of pushing when he's not capable of handling the consequence.
He lets his face tuck back down into his shoulder, breathing in and out a slow breath. "Good. Now...shut up and hold me." And maybe let them both take a nap on the couch, lord knows they both needed it.
If only for an hour he thinks he can survive that much longer without breaking down too much, and it feels nice to be held. His limbs are tucked and curled enough that he's entirely in the bigger man's lap and his whole body tries to release tension.
Varker isn't long after him, cheek on his chest and curled up in his lap. It's perhaps not the most dignified way to sleep, but both he and Audrey are rather content and warm where they are.
When he wakes up later, he'll be sweaty and shaky, excuse him as quickly as possible to go feed his habit, but until then, he's comfortable and can sleep right here on Oscar and forget about it and all the bullshit of the last month.
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Re: Post-flood
"I appreciate you coming sober. And I know that isn't easy for you. I'm not going to ask you to do what you're not ready for."
He paused, his eyes soft on the blond, lingering on his face.
"But if we want that talk, we'll both have to be sober."
Re: Post-flood
"I'm...going to work on myself. But if you're telling me, right now, it's..." He takes in a breath and looks away, waving his hand as if to say 'all this', don't make him acknowledge that there is something Oscar, not right now, "is dependent on me staying sober? I'm going to disappoint you, Oscar." It took him most of the day to manage this, and he's already thinking about going back to his cabin and having a drink.
"I'm not like you. and I don't think I ever will be."
Re: Post-flood
"No, Clement, this...whatever we are, isn't dependent on that." That wouldn't be fair. And he knew how hard it would be. "Just when you're ready to talk about it, I'd like to do it when you're sober. And when it's done, you can drink."
He was quiet for a few moments. "I'm not being fair. I know. I'm being even cruel. But- I want to make sure if it ends up with us making out...it's because you want to make out with me. Or more. Does...that make sense?"
Re: Post-flood
"You know, Oscar. I never said that I needed an excuse to kiss you, it was the other way around," It's not a funny joke, but he does point it out on purpose. "But...if that's your condition, I suppose I'll try again sometime."
Re: Post-flood
"I don't need an excuse to kiss you either, you know. But...would you like a hug and a kiss right now?"
For reassurance. No offer for anything more. Sober sex? With these two old men? Impossible, maybe.
Re: Post-flood
He can tell himself all he wants he's a grown ass man, and yet?
He doesn't respond so much as pull his legs in to crawl the short distance across the couch and inserts himself right onto Oscar's lap. But it isn't to kiss him. Burying himself in the other man's shoulder he hugs him tightly and takes in a deep breath.
He'd spent all of the last week terrified and alone, and he'd been alone because of his own selfish behavior. He'd paid for it over and over and if Oscar is offering to settle the account, well. He's not going to tell him no.
Re: Post-flood
Oscar pressed a kiss to Clement's hair, wrapping his arm around him to rub his back.
This is what he missed, more then anything. And he didn't want to leave Clement alone. Not if he could help it.
Re: Post-flood
"I never thanked you," his voice is quiet, not quite a whisper as his grip tightens. He isn't clinging, he swears he isn't, but its nice to take another breath of him in.
"I...I'm terrified of Dr. Trevanue, a-and I don't think it would have helped that fear any if I'd drown." In fact he's sure he would have been a paranoid wreck if he'd been tolling. A rare moment where death would not have been kinder, especially when it doesn't last. "So, thank you for rescuing me, Oscar. I...appreciated it, even if I didn't act like it, at the time."
Re: Post-flood
"I saw the faces. It was terrifying. And thankfully, Audrey managed to cough up some water before I started CPR."
He offered a gentle squeeze. "You're welcome. I'm glad you made it."
Thank you for staying alive, he almost said. But he didn't.
Re: Post-flood
His fingers press into his shoulders, taking in a stuttering breath, "I'm...glad I did too, Oscar."
Re: Post-flood
And he spoke very softly. "I want you to be alive and stay that way, Doctor Clement Varker."
Re: Post-flood
But when you are reminded of all the people who arent, but could be? It yanks on the chain of self-hatred enough to look at sacrifice a little differently.
"I won't make any promises," its muffled into his shoulder, but he lifts his head just enough, turning it to whisper into his ear, "but I can try."
Re: Post-flood
"That's all I ask." He whispered in return, before pulling back- only to try to offer a slow, soft kiss on his mouth.
Re: Post-flood
He turns his head just enough to take that kiss on the cheek instead. Gives him another squeeze before he gives a shake of his head, "take care of yourself. That's all I'm asking."
And it isn't that he doesn't want to, but he knows where he's at, and Oscar shouldn't fold so easily to comforting him when he's said he's still raw.
Re: Post-flood
"All right. I'll...try to do that. For you. And me."
Re: Post-flood
He lets his face tuck back down into his shoulder, breathing in and out a slow breath. "Good. Now...shut up and hold me." And maybe let them both take a nap on the couch, lord knows they both needed it.
Re: Post-flood
He kept himself from stroking his hair by giving Varker a gentle squeeze around the middle instead.
"Yes dear." He was smiling as he said it. Maybe they could both feel relief and rest, for a little while. That would be...wonderful.
Re: Post-flood
Re: Post-flood
Just a little longer. Oscar's eyes close, and he tries not to think. Just breathes, warm and quiet, and smelling the scent that is uniquely Clement.
And it helps his body relax, and slowly, do slowly, he starts to drift off.
Re: Post-flood
When he wakes up later, he'll be sweaty and shaky, excuse him as quickly as possible to go feed his habit, but until then, he's comfortable and can sleep right here on Oscar and forget about it and all the bullshit of the last month.