"I...sometimes." He stared down at his hand, resting on his lap. "Sometimes I wonder Maggie, why I feel so much shame. And why it took me so long to know that I need that emotional connection of just even a friend to feel attraction." He shook his head. "Then I feel broken."
"You didn't know because no one talked about it as an option, Oz. A lot of
people have felt broken and ashamed for exactly that reason. At least I
had the words." She squeezes him a little tighter for a moment. "There's
nothing wrong with you. But it's understandable if it takes time to
feel that in your bones."
He nodded, and made to bring his arm around so he could carefully hug her in return. "It's still been a few months since I learned the words. I think...it may take a little longer for it to feel it in my bones. I am happy though, that you know your truth."
Even if it wasn't, well. What her church would like. Or his.
"Mm. I'm pretty at home in my own skin, but I had a head start, given my
time and my family. I have the most doting parents in the world, no
worrying they'd reject me." And speaking of being queer, she says softly,
"I miss my girlfriend. Iris isn't the settling down type, so she'll
never come home with me, but she did promise me as much of forever as she
could without twisting herself into knots. Visits and adventures and being
Auntie Iris to my kids someday. She was on the Barge for over a decade.
It was her home."
She sighs. "It feels so strange to be here without her. Anyone could
vanish, but she was the one person I had trouble imagining it happening
to."
He nodded. It wasn't the first time that he realized that having parents, especially the right ones, could change so much.
"It seems...very difficult. I'm sorry your girlfriend isn't here but perhaps- she may return, one way or another. And even not- you had something wonderful. You had her. And you had time together. And love."
She hums acknowledgement. "I'll see her when I leave. I guess I just
feel... unmoored, here without her. I have my brothers, and John and Sokie, and Red,
and my pack. I'm not alone, but Iris was an anchor. She was also the one
who first turned me to a wolf. Kneeling at someone's feet and putting my
life in their hands doesn't come naturally, but it was easy as breathing
with her."
"It's nice to talk about her sometimes. She's a telepath, like John, but
not from a distance. Limited to when she's touching you, and it's stronger
with emotions than words. Between her and John, they're ruining me for
non-telepathic relationships." She's clearly joking, she loves her other
partners, but emotional telepathy is the best thing.
"I think that's part of how I got comfortable with John so quickly. I was
used to having Iris in my head whenever she was in arm's reach."
He nodded, and winced a little. A touch telepath...he felt the unease roll through him, and he could hear the whisper of Scratch in his ear. A whisper of a memory.
He shivered, closing his eyes briefly.
"That sounds like quite the experience." He managed, but couldn't go further then that. Because he couldn't follow it up with 'I couldn't imagine what it was like' when he knew the worst of how it could be.
He tried to swallow. Didn't manage. But offered Maggie a soft smile.
"Before the Barge-" He started, and stopped. Took in a deep breath, and continued. "Before the Barge, before Arthur and John, I encountered a being known only as Mr Scratch. What I did not know at the time was it could go into other people, not just the person it possessed at the time."
He stared at nothing. "I don't let anyone into my head if I can help it."
Maggie raises a hand to stroke his hair as she tells him, "My world has no
magic I've ever seen. We fucked ourselves up with pure science. I had no
context or trauma around it before the Barge. So for me, nothing in
my life has ever felt safer than Iris or John wrapping me up as thoroughly
in feelings as they do when they hold me."
He startled a little. While he did relax, it was clear: Oscar wasn't used to personal, affectionate touch.
But he sighed quietly, and nodded slowly. Careful not to dislodge her fingers from his hair.
"I completely understand Maggie. You don't have to explain yourself, or why it is so wonderful it is for you. I am glad you're happy and feel loved with them being with you, body and soul." His mouth was crooked. "I'm sure that Arthur and John are intermingled and within each others minds, in and out all the time."
"This okay?" she asks softly, hand stilling on his head for a moment. She
didn't mean to startle him.
"Arthur most of all, I assume, but John's in various people's minds to some
degree. Anyway, Iris is bright and brilliant, joy and adventure and a
sprawling sense of possibility. She sees interesting challenges where most
people see obstacles. She has a sharp streak, she'll bite without
hesitating if you threaten or hurt people she cares about, but she's
terrible at holding grudges for long. Unlike me. That is one of my
flaws. Although I consider it an asset in certain scenarios."
"It's okay. Just...new." He told her, voice also soft. His eyes closed, and he relaxed, trying to simply enjoy it without sinking into the couch.
But he listened quietly to hear who Iris was, and more importantly, what she was to his sister.
"I can also hold grudges." He admitted. "Not always, but I can. So...we at least have that in common. But she sounds like quite the person. Almost...larger then life."
It made him think, wistfully, of Arthur in a way. But...louder.
Then she isn't going to stop, her hand still moving through his hair. She will get up to help make cinnamon rolls as promised. But this is worth appreciating first.
Maggie laughs. Oscar isn't wrong, but... "She's a tiny woman with an enormous personality. Which honestly feels weirdly fitting for a woman who flies around the universe in a ship that's bigger inside than out. I tower over her. I can easily tuck her under my chin when I hug her." Five-foot-nothing to Maggie's five-seven.
He was melting slowly from the affection. He might end up falling asleep from it even Cinnamon rolls could wait. This was important.
But hearing that, he chuckled. "It reminds me of one of my parishioners. Marie. No nonsense personality. Small as a bird, biggest heart you'll ever find. But a spitfire."
His smile widened. "What did you two like to do together? Did you go on dates?"
"Sounds about right." None of that sounds like a terrible summary of Iris.
"Sort of? We've always been on the Barge, so dates were in ports, or
adventures the Enclosure, or dinner in one of our cabins. If we were
sleeping, it had to be at hers, because Iris can't sleep the whole night
and doesn't like to stay still. She'd want to get up and tinker at her
workbench while I kept sleeping." Maggie fingers the gold stylized leaping
hare pendant she never takes off; Iris made it for her a few years ago.
Really, the more he heard of her, the more he thought he'd like Iris. She seemed like she was an unforgettable person. He'd have to ask John or Arthur if they were friends with her.
"So she was a craftswoman as well then? What did she like to make?" He felt like he was asking a lot of questions but...at least they were getting softer. Sleepier as the touch continued.
"She and one of her former inmates made me a bone book stand that can turn
pages for me, so I can read when I'm a wolf. Which seems silly, but
sometimes it's nice to be wolf-shaped without putting down my book. And
this was her work." Maggie holds out the leaping hare pendant for Oscar to
see.
Maggie leans into him a little harder, resting her head on his shoulder
again. "The mechanical part, the actual page turning, was Iris's work. But
her inmate at the time could manipulate any parts of the body. Does it help
that I know exactly where the bones came from? He was taking leftover bones
from the kitchens so he could turn them into useful things; it's only what
was discarded after feeding the ship."
Far from the biggest favor John Gaius did her. "...And now an Admiral
request has taken its place, but while he was here, he was also the one who
did the work to contain my virus by making sure my skin can't be cut while
I'm on the Barge."
Mostly he hoped they weren't, well. Human bones. The idea disturbed him, as much as the idea that something like that may very well exist in his world, human bones and all.
"For an inmate he sounds like he was...very powerful. I wouldn't have thought such ability could exist. Did he make other things for you, with Iris?"
"Mmhmm." Animal bones only, ethically sourced. She promises.
"Iris didn't limit his powers, and he helped out around the ship more than
most wardens do. I don't have anything else he made. I do have an
undamaged liver? I got shot during a trip home, and he fixed it after."
He nods. Good, he liked that. Human bones seemed too readily used in his world.
"An undamaged liver...it seems he was quite powerful and skilled." And it made him think he needed to do more. He needed to think of projects, things the Barge could use- that people could use.
"That's wonderful. I came in with my ah, arm adjustment a few days before my arrival."
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"You didn't know because no one talked about it as an option, Oz. A lot of people have felt broken and ashamed for exactly that reason. At least I had the words." She squeezes him a little tighter for a moment. "There's nothing wrong with you. But it's understandable if it takes time to feel that in your bones."
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Even if it wasn't, well. What her church would like. Or his.
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"Mm. I'm pretty at home in my own skin, but I had a head start, given my time and my family. I have the most doting parents in the world, no worrying they'd reject me." And speaking of being queer, she says softly, "I miss my girlfriend. Iris isn't the settling down type, so she'll never come home with me, but she did promise me as much of forever as she could without twisting herself into knots. Visits and adventures and being Auntie Iris to my kids someday. She was on the Barge for over a decade. It was her home."
She sighs. "It feels so strange to be here without her. Anyone could vanish, but she was the one person I had trouble imagining it happening to."
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"It seems...very difficult. I'm sorry your girlfriend isn't here but perhaps- she may return, one way or another. And even not- you had something wonderful. You had her. And you had time together. And love."
Love made so much of a difference.
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She hums acknowledgement. "I'll see her when I leave. I guess I just feel... unmoored, here without her. I have my brothers, and John and Sokie, and Red, and my pack. I'm not alone, but Iris was an anchor. She was also the one who first turned me to a wolf. Kneeling at someone's feet and putting my life in their hands doesn't come naturally, but it was easy as breathing with her."
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"You have me. Not a lover but...you still have me Maggie."
Normally he didn't miss having two hands. Not really. But he wanted the missing one, so he could pull Maggie into a gentle embrace.
"Iris sounds remarkable though. One of a kind even. Do you...like talking about her, or does it hurt too much?"
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"It's nice to talk about her sometimes. She's a telepath, like John, but not from a distance. Limited to when she's touching you, and it's stronger with emotions than words. Between her and John, they're ruining me for non-telepathic relationships." She's clearly joking, she loves her other partners, but emotional telepathy is the best thing.
"I think that's part of how I got comfortable with John so quickly. I was used to having Iris in my head whenever she was in arm's reach."
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He shivered, closing his eyes briefly.
"That sounds like quite the experience." He managed, but couldn't go further then that. Because he couldn't follow it up with 'I couldn't imagine what it was like' when he knew the worst of how it could be.
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"I stepped on a nerve," she notes, leaning into him a little harder. She doesn't have to know what it was to know it hurt. "You alright, Oz?"
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"Before the Barge-" He started, and stopped. Took in a deep breath, and continued. "Before the Barge, before Arthur and John, I encountered a being known only as Mr Scratch. What I did not know at the time was it could go into other people, not just the person it possessed at the time."
He stared at nothing. "I don't let anyone into my head if I can help it."
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Maggie raises a hand to stroke his hair as she tells him, "My world has no magic I've ever seen. We fucked ourselves up with pure science. I had no context or trauma around it before the Barge. So for me, nothing in my life has ever felt safer than Iris or John wrapping me up as thoroughly in feelings as they do when they hold me."
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But he sighed quietly, and nodded slowly. Careful not to dislodge her fingers from his hair.
"I completely understand Maggie. You don't have to explain yourself, or why it is so wonderful it is for you. I am glad you're happy and feel loved with them being with you, body and soul." His mouth was crooked. "I'm sure that Arthur and John are intermingled and within each others minds, in and out all the time."
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"This okay?" she asks softly, hand stilling on his head for a moment. She didn't mean to startle him.
"Arthur most of all, I assume, but John's in various people's minds to some degree. Anyway, Iris is bright and brilliant, joy and adventure and a sprawling sense of possibility. She sees interesting challenges where most people see obstacles. She has a sharp streak, she'll bite without hesitating if you threaten or hurt people she cares about, but she's terrible at holding grudges for long. Unlike me. That is one of my flaws. Although I consider it an asset in certain scenarios."
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But he listened quietly to hear who Iris was, and more importantly, what she was to his sister.
"I can also hold grudges." He admitted. "Not always, but I can. So...we at least have that in common. But she sounds like quite the person. Almost...larger then life."
It made him think, wistfully, of Arthur in a way. But...louder.
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Then she isn't going to stop, her hand still moving through his hair. She will get up to help make cinnamon rolls as promised. But this is worth appreciating first.
Maggie laughs. Oscar isn't wrong, but... "She's a tiny woman with an enormous personality. Which honestly feels weirdly fitting for a woman who flies around the universe in a ship that's bigger inside than out. I tower over her. I can easily tuck her under my chin when I hug her." Five-foot-nothing to Maggie's five-seven.
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Cinnamon rolls could wait. This was important.
But hearing that, he chuckled. "It reminds me of one of my parishioners. Marie. No nonsense personality. Small as a bird, biggest heart you'll ever find. But a spitfire."
His smile widened. "What did you two like to do together? Did you go on dates?"
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"Sounds about right." None of that sounds like a terrible summary of Iris.
"Sort of? We've always been on the Barge, so dates were in ports, or adventures the Enclosure, or dinner in one of our cabins. If we were sleeping, it had to be at hers, because Iris can't sleep the whole night and doesn't like to stay still. She'd want to get up and tinker at her workbench while I kept sleeping." Maggie fingers the gold stylized leaping hare pendant she never takes off; Iris made it for her a few years ago.
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"So she was a craftswoman as well then? What did she like to make?" He felt like he was asking a lot of questions but...at least they were getting softer. Sleepier as the touch continued.
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"She and one of her former inmates made me a bone book stand that can turn pages for me, so I can read when I'm a wolf. Which seems silly, but sometimes it's nice to be wolf-shaped without putting down my book. And this was her work." Maggie holds out the leaping hare pendant for Oscar to see.
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He cleared his throat, and peered to the necklace.
"That's lovely." He told her. "The book stand must be wonderful for you to use. Just um...bones throw me off a bit."
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Maggie leans into him a little harder, resting her head on his shoulder again. "The mechanical part, the actual page turning, was Iris's work. But her inmate at the time could manipulate any parts of the body. Does it help that I know exactly where the bones came from? He was taking leftover bones from the kitchens so he could turn them into useful things; it's only what was discarded after feeding the ship."
Far from the biggest favor John Gaius did her. "...And now an Admiral request has taken its place, but while he was here, he was also the one who did the work to contain my virus by making sure my skin can't be cut while I'm on the Barge."
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Mostly he hoped they weren't, well. Human bones. The idea disturbed him, as much as the idea that something like that may very well exist in his world, human bones and all.
"For an inmate he sounds like he was...very powerful. I wouldn't have thought such ability could exist. Did he make other things for you, with Iris?"
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"Mmhmm." Animal bones only, ethically sourced. She promises.
"Iris didn't limit his powers, and he helped out around the ship more than most wardens do. I don't have anything else he made. I do have an undamaged liver? I got shot during a trip home, and he fixed it after."
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"An undamaged liver...it seems he was quite powerful and skilled." And it made him think he needed to do more. He needed to think of projects, things the Barge could use- that people could use.
"That's wonderful. I came in with my ah, arm adjustment a few days before my arrival."
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